The Idol of Security, Pt.1

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways in which we try to protect ourselves from hurt, pain, or difficulties. The first thoughts that come to mind are ones that have to do with money. If you step back and look at our culture from a distanced perspective, we actually seem a little crazy. We are so scared of losing comfort and stability that we pour money into savings accounts and are obsessive about having a “safety cushion” of money in the bank in the chance that anything might go wrong. 

Now, I’m not against saving. I actually think saving can be extremely wise stewardship of your money. The point I am trying to make is that we often step way beyond wise stewardship to just plain lack of faith, making an idol out of comfort and security. Saving thousands of dollars for ourselves, and yet being unwilling to give because we don’t want to touch our monetary security blanket. We protect ourselves from any foreseeable financial disaster, while most of the rest of the world is unsure where they will get the money for food today.

I’m very much guilty of this myself, worrying much more than I should about money and finances, holding tight to what I have because I am afraid that if I let it go, I will not have what I need. I’d like to claim that being in grad school does this to a person. You are taking out loans for thousands of dollars that you will have to pay back in just a few short years, all the while making just enough money while in school to pay rent and buy food. It’s definitely a test of faith, especially since I did not have to be in this position. However, I know that I had this tendency long before I entered grad school. It comes out more now because by coming to Covenant I am choosing to go into debt and I feel the weight of that responsibility. But I can remember worrying about money while I was in undergrad as well, when I wasn’t taking out loans for anything.

The summer between my junior and senior years of college, the Lord taught me a huge lesson in financial security, faith, and sacrifice. I had the privilege to travel to Zambia with Crusade on a summer project, where we participated in student ministry on two different college campuses, and visited a couple of orphanages. I had been to impoverished communities before going to Zambia, but for some reason the poverty we saw there struck me in a way that it hadn’t before. I didn’t just feel heartbroken for the people we were working with who had next to nothing, I also felt conviction. Spending daily time in the Word, I was reminded about what the church is called to, what is an essential part of ushering in the kingdom of God on this earth: ministering to the poor and needy. This is something that was supposed to be a main characteristic of the Israelite community in the Old Testament, one of the primary characteristics that set them apart from other nations. In Isaiah 58:6-7, the Lord says to the nation of Israel:

“‘Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked to cloth him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?”

Fighting for justice, giving to those who are needy, to those who are hungry and have nothing, loving and serving those who the world despises and rejects, this is what the kingdom of God looks like. It was on that trip that, as a believer, I felt the weight of this calling and the ways that I had not embraced it in my life. I felt the Lord asking me to give in immense financial ways when I returned to the States, because financial security was an idol He was desperate to rid me of. My senior year of college was marked by having to trust the Lord in ways I had not let myself before. And I saw Him show up, I watched as He brought people and circumstances in my life to give me just what I needed and no more. It was an amazing time of growth in my life in this area, and in my understanding of what it looks like to participate in ushering in the kingdom of God on this earth.

I’m forgetful, though. I still struggle with trusting the Lord that coming to Covenant was the best decision financially. When it comes time to pay my tuition bill, I feel the strain because I’m being asked for something I don’t actually have. But I’m finding it worth it. I’m learning, I’m growing, and I’m beginning to understand that if I am committed to walking with the Lord it will most likely be like this for the rest of my life. He will ask me to give until it hurts, to take steps of faith and ask for Him to provide when I am unsure how that will happen. 

He has given me a great example of this in the form of my new church, New City, in watching how they are faithful with their finances, always pouring into ministry that God calls them to, even when they are unsure where those finances will come from. And He reminds me through His Word in those moments that I am tempted to panic. I want my life to reflect the characteristics of God’s kingdom, and that means giving up my comfort and security, believing that what I will gain is so much more valuable. And knowing my flesh and how it fights this, I’m asking others to hold me accountable to living the way that God has called me to. I know it will be hard, but I also know it will be beyond worth it.

“Then you’re light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard…If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday. The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.” Isaiah 58:8,10-11

“Do not worry, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:31-34

Beautiful Things

"You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You are making me new
Oh You are making me new"

Gungor says it such amazing words.  God has made something beautiful out of me.  He has made something beautiful out of the dust and depravity that was our inheritance.  Out of the mire rises the Church, the bride of Christ who's blood has paid our ransom and bought our way back to Yahweh.  And now we await the day when all creation will be made new.  Which reminds me of another Gungor song that I find myself listening to over and over again:

"Create in me a clean heart,
for I have turned my face from you.
Save us from our ways, oh God
oh God,
for we have turned away from you.
Lord have mercy.

We will run to you,
we will run to you.
Turning from our sin we return to you.
Father heal your world,
make all things new

Your love and mercy
build us, shape us
break and then recreate us now.
Lord, have mercy.

Oh bring us back to you,
oh bring us back to you"

Now that is beautiful <3

The One Where All Things Are Made New

Sometimes the world just doesn’t make sense to me.  And it is revealing; my soul knows this is not how it was supposed to be.

I have been learning a lot in seminary.  Theology. How the Lord is so much bigger than I ever imagined. Psychology.  How our brains function.  How the functioning of our brains affects how we experience God. How much modernist and post-modernist thoughts have affected the way we look at God and the Church and Scripture and life. I’ve learned so much that I couldn’t possibly write it all down. And out of all of this information and wisdom, this is what sticks out to me: The way our world is now is not the way it was meant to be, and all of our pain and struggle balances on this single fact. Just look around; I am not the only one who knows this to be true.  All humanity remembers how things were meant to be, otherwise pain, suffering, loss and heartache would not seem so wrong to us.

The other day I was talking about this with one of my roommate’s cousins.  She isn’t a Christian.  But I shared with her anyway because hey, I’m going through hard times, and she’s going through hard times.  I wanted to be real with her, whether I thought she would agree with me or not. As we were sharing with each other a little bit of the pain we were feeling from life at the moment, I asked her, “Don’t you think that pain seems so out of place in our lives? Why is that? It happens to everyone, so why does loss seem so wrong?”  She didn’t really respond, so I said, “I think it’s because it was never supposed to be this way.  We weren’t made to experience loss this deep, so deep it cuts into our soul. It’s an intruder in life.”  She looked at me for a minute, and then said: “You know, that’s a bold statement. But I think you might be right.” 

I think loss is probably one of the most painful things to experience.  Whether it’s through separation, broken relationships, or death, the pain of loss threatens to overwhelm us.  Sin, death, evil…they don’t really make sense.  In her book Epic of Eden, Sandra Richter explains this well, saying:

Humanity somehow knows that it should not die, even though in all remembered experience humanity has died.  And this sixth sense is not restricted to those who believe. No, all of the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve somehow know that [humanity] is not what they are supposed to be, that there is something profoundly wrong with the world as it is. I believe this sense is evidence of the residual presence of the image of God in humanity. (116-117)

There is something profoundly wrong with the world as it is. And I feel this, even more so in the past few weeks than I have in a while.  However, this realization is not pushing me to despair at depravity in quite the same way as it has before.  Does pain still hurt deeply? Yes.  But my perspective on it has changed so much in the past few years.  In some ways, realizing that death and trials reflect the reality that humanity is not what it should be, and that it is our responsibility that the world is this way, it makes the pain deeper and more real.  But it also gives me a breath of hope, a joy in the midst of the storm of life.

 This change in perspective comes from the fact that I know God has seen the destruction of sin, and He has not sat by idly.  He is angry, He is burning with fury at the way sin has attacked His creation and with a deep desire to make things right.  So much so that He sent His own Son to be crucified on our behalf, that sin and death would no longer have ultimate power.  He is coming to make things new, to make things right again.  He will fulfill His intended purposes for His creation, and I am included in that creation.  Because of Christ, I experience redemption now, and in the future to come.  How beautiful is that? I am redeemed. And this is what gives me joy, the fact that God is in the process of redeeming ALL of His creation, and He will one day come live among us.  That is the day that I am waiting for, and the hope that holds my gaze when I don’t know how to deal with my own sin or the struggles that come my way. 

In many ways, being here at Covenant has really increased my sensitivity to how much this world doesn’t reflect the Lord’s original intention and desire for His creation.  We still retain the image of God, but it is a broken and marred image.  The more I learn about how things were supposed to be, the more the absence of the “supposed to” pains me.  Yet, God is patient, and so I must be as well.  In the meantime, while I wait for the beautiful and incomprehensible reality that awaits me (and all of the Church) when the Lord will make all things new, I will strive to bring some of that redemption here on this earth. 

“‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’  He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’…” Revelation 21:3-5a

Amen.  Come, Lord Jesus.

A Stretch of Faith

So, despite my ideal intentions of blogging more often, I have not even considered updating this blog in a very long time.  But, a new life and new adventures are leading me to want to write again.  I’ve just moved to St. Louis to study Counseling at Covenant Theological Seminary, away from most of my family and friends, and since I won’t be around much I think this blog might be a great way for anyone back home to keep updated on my life.  Hopefully I will have some time to update semi-often :)

Transitions are usually pretty difficult for me.  I like structure in my life, and I always function better when I have a plan and when I know what is going to happen.  So, any time life throws a dramatic change my way, I tend to get anxious and it takes me a while to adjust to a new routine and structure.  So, moving to a new city, going to a new school and meeting all new people...lets just say it hasn’t been easy so far.  I think I will like it here. I really do believe that.  But right now its taking a lot for me to trust the Lord with where my life is heading.  The good thing about that is I know it is growing and stretching my faith, something I long for and pray for consistently.  I want my life to reflect Christ, and so that is going to mean stepping outside of my comfort zone, and often times dying to myself.  It’s not easy, but it is worth it.

I know that this is truth...that trials and changes and difficulties are a refining fire for my faith and character.  Even though I may feel unsure and a bit anxious, and even though my flesh might be telling me to hide and give in to my feelings of fear, I am going to choose to believe the truth.  Thankfully, the Lord has been faithful to me so many times in the past that it is not difficult to look back and remind myself of how He remains with me and is for me.  

This past year has been anything but easy.  I’ve been hit by a few different waves of emotional, financial and relational trials that have left me feeling exhausted and vulnerable, but I can already feel that my faith has been strengthened.  I’m interested to see how the Lord will use what I’ve been through and learned over this past year.  But for right now, I’m along for the ride, trusting the Lord, walking by faith and filling my mind and heart with truth.  

One thing I would also love to do with this blog is to also keep anyone who is interested updated on where the Lord is leading me in ministry.  Right now I could use some prayer as I look for a job where I can build relationships with people and have opportunities to share the Gospel.  One of the main things the Lord taught me throughout this year is how important it is to be an ambassador for Christ wherever I am, whenever He leads me.  

“ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:6-9

Dying to Live

So, i havent blogged in a while. And by a while I mean months.  I would like to attribute this to the fact that I have had nothing to say, but anyone who knows me the least bit well will definitely attest to the fact that rarely do I not have something to say. The truth is, the past few months have been pretty difficult, and the idea of taking time to sit down and write a blog post has seemed rather overwhelming.  I reached 100% of my support goal around the second week of September, and jumped into ministry pretty much right away.  Since then, I've been meeting with students, going to conferences, and trying to adjust to the many changes that have taken place in my life since May. 


Speaking of changes, I don't think I could have expected how difficult it would be to continue living in the same place I have the past four years, now that I have graduated.  It is probably one of the hardest parts of transitioning out of college, mostly because everything around me is a reminder of what my life used to look like. Oxford is the same. Miami is the same. But I am not the same.  The Lord definitely used this summer and raising support to grow me in significant ways, but everything around me speaks to who I used to be and the people I love who once were a daily part of my life here. Change is never easy, and this amount of change has the potential to lead a person into isolation, and making them question where God's goodness will show up amongst a life that feels strange and lonely.  I don't think I am the only person who feels this way at times, but even still, sharing it with others definitely makes me feel vulnerable. However, I think its essential in order for me to also share what the Lord has been teaching me through it all.


I am currently reading a book called A Million Ways to Die, the Only Way to Live by Rick James. Throughout the book, the author talks about how we are called by Jesus not to just lay our physical lives down for Him, but to each day be willing to die small deaths to ourselves in order to find life in Jesus.  In one chapter, James discusses how God puts us through trials in order for us to have the opportunity to die to our expectations, our reputations, our comfort zones, and that this in turn stretches our faith and draws us into deeper relationship and dependence on the Lord. If following Jesus is what our lives are truly about, then we should embrace these faith stretching opportunities, not shrink back from them.  Suffering, trials and deaths that cause us to turn to God are what lead to that abundant life that Jesus talks about in scripture.  I find this a unique, refreshing, and biblical perspective on the Christian life, and incredibly applicable.


These past fews months have been riddled with opportunities for me to grow and be stretched in my view of God and how He works in my life.  Though many times I have wanted to run away or even hide from where the Lord has brought me, He has given me the strength through the power of His Spirit to walk through these trials instead of running away from them. To die to myself and my will, holding on to the promise that death is not the end, but only the means through which I gain a life worth living....a life that is consumed by my love for my Savior, and His love for me. True life.  Whatever happens in the future, I know that God is good, and when I fix my eyes on Him I will find true peace. It is when I shift my eyes from the cross that I start to doubt who God is.  The Lord has met me where I am over these past few months, and I have seen His faithfulness in ways that I never thought possible.  He has brought me joy and provided for me exactly what I have needed. And for that, my heart rejoices :)


Whenever God is trying to drive home a point in my life, He brings up the topic in multiple ways and situations in my life, so much so that it becomes almost comical.  This post is already long enough, so at the moment I won't continue on talking about the other many ways that the Lord has been teaching me about sacrifice, trails, and growths of faith.  But hopefully I will be able to sit down more this coming semester and share the many ways God is moving and working in my life to make me more like His Son. 


"Our Fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:10-11

Loving Beyond Comprehension

To start off, I just want to update everyone on where I am with my support. I currently have seen 42% of my total support come in, but I still need $1600 of monthly support. As August 23rd looms in the not so distant future, I am continuing to trust the Lord and His timing. If I'm being honest, it's definitely not easy. It would be much easier to give in to anxiety and stress, choosing not to take God at His word but instead try to continue raising support out of my own strength or even walk down another path entirely. But I am trying to keep in mind why I started this process in the first place. I am here to honor the Lord, and in this situation that means that I will continue to trust Him even in my fear.

That being said, I really just wanted to share with you all some of what God has been teaching me lately that doesn't necessarily have to do with raising support. Though, I would have to say that support has had a role in every part of my growth in character and spirit over the past few months, mostly because when we are forced to depend solely on the Lord, it tends to bring other things in our lives to the surface.

I was reading this passage in Colossians the other day, and the words just hit me in a completely different way than they have before. "8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:8-14

There are so many things going on in this passage, so instead of talking about everything God showed me in these verses, I'll just highlight one major point. In v.8, Paul talks about putting off things such as slander, malice, filthy language, etc. When reading this, in my mind it really connected to what he says later in v.13, that we should bear with each other and forgive grievances, in the same way that God has forgiven us. Recently, I really feel like God has been highlighting the need for me to do both of these things when it comes to people in my life, and the relationships I have. I have often thought, rather pridefully, that I do a pretty good job of forgiving others when they wrong me. I try to see past their actions and treat them with kindness instead of retaliating, thinking of myself as the bigger person in the situation.

Only recently have I realized how self-righteous my attitude has been. One of my good friends has been going through a rather rough time recently, dealing with a lot of pain in a few different areas, but through it all I have seen her truly walk with the Lord and continue to love the people in her life that have hurt her. I have never seen anyone love through pain like this woman, and God has used her experiences to show me just how little I understand about forgiveness. Too often I speak out against those who have hurt me, my words dripping with bitterness and resentment. But true love, true forgiveness, lets go of all those things. It puts off harsh words and slander, and chooses to show love to those who we may feel least deserve it. It is not only choosing not to speak badly of them, but it is also choosing to love them with the words we do speak, showing encouragement and believing the best about them. God's grace empowers us to love past our pain and confusion, giving us the freedom to let God take control of the situation and the relationship.

For me, this summer has definitely been one characterized by humility. I am seeing sin in places in my life that I have never looked at before. I am overwhelmed by how much God has forgiven me, how much I deserve death, but yet, miraculously through God's grace, I have been given life. Knowing how much God has forgiven me, how could I possibly withhold that kind of true forgiveness to people in my own life, and especially to other believers whom I love? I am thankful that God is so entirely patient with me, that He deals with me gently, and that through Him I know that I can begin to love others the way He has called me to. As I deal with my relationships, I can already see the Lord working on my heart and challenging me to love through any circumstance. Some days are more difficult than others, and there are times where I feel as though I do not have any more strength to walk in love. But God is gracious, and I know that the more I depend on Him, the more I will see Him show up in the way I love those around me.

I'm going to end my post here, with lyrics from a song by Jennifer Knapp that always reminds me of how amazing the Lord's forgiveness truly is....if you want to listen to the whole song, you can check it out here:

"What was the promise on the Cross of Calvary?

Confess the Lord and the truth shall set you free.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a steadfast spirit within me.

To my prayers you've always given heed.

Blessed be thy God, who never turned away from me.

Hid his face from all my sin, forgot my iniquity.

Go on and raise your hands sing praises to the Lord.

He's the King and He'll reign forevermore.

He died upon the cross at Calvary.

He died to save a wretch like me."

Beautifully Broken

Broken. That is how I would describe myself at the moment. Beautifully broken. Not a brokenness that signals defeat, but one that reminds me how incapable I am of doing anything in my own strength. It is a brokenness that teaches me how depending on the Lord is the only way to truly live in freedom.

I think realizing the depth of my brokenness is what has been keeping me going lately, especially when it comes to raising support. Currently, I am at about 33% of my support goal. Which in all honesty is completely amazing, even though my goal for the end of June was to be at around 50%. But the way that God has already brought in my support has blown me away. I think my favorite support stories so far are centered around people who give to me when I know they have almost nothing to give.

One friend in particular sticks out in my mind. Having just graduated from college, like me she doesn't have much in the way of finances. When I saw her the other day, she handed me her money while telling me that she knew she had to give to me because God wouldn't let it go. Supporting me had come to her mind everyday for the past two weeks. What she gave me was a sacrifice, I know this, and as I hugged her the love I felt from her both for me and for the Lord brought tears to my eyes.

It may not seem like much to the world, or even in light of the amount of support I am supposed to be raising, but the few dollars I get from the heart of a sacrificial giver teaches me more than I could learn from some large anonymous donation. God has a special way of breaking my heart and teaching me through people who give from their hearts, not out of their wealth. Their willingness humbles me and reminds me of how God has called me to give just as they do, just as the widow does in Luke 21....giving out of love for the Lord, and all the while trusting Him to take care of my needs.

One of the biggest questions I have been getting lately is about whether I think I will be able to raise all of my support by August, or even at all. And I have to admit, at times I have found myself thinking, "Ok God, so I know you love when people give out of what little they have, but won't it take until next May for me to raise $38,000 with small donations?"

It is during those times that I am so grateful for the grace the Lord gives me when I try to look at things through my own eyes instead of His. Because, truthfully, God works on His own schedule, and I have no authority to be questioning His timing. I believe He is good, and therefore He deserves my trust. Something I read a few weeks ago really hit me with this truth, and I want it to be my response to people who question and wonder about whether I will actually be able to begin ministry at Miami in the fall. It's from Beth Guckenberger's book Reckless Faith:

"When troubles approach, I used to always plan an escape route, thinking that it would keep both God and me from looking bad. But He doesn't require any such excuses. The more childlike and less mature my faith becomes, the easier it is to invite God to come. Never again will I offer up an explanation that spins God as weak or passive. If God doesn't come through in the way I want Him to, it should expand my view of faith, not shrink it." (42)

This is what I want to be true of me: that I would embrace my brokenness and God's goodness enough to start believing Him when He says He is in control. I refuse to create a perfectly mapped out plan B for what to do if support doesn't come in when it is based completely on the assumption that God is not big enough to show up where I need Him most.

If I do not end up fully supported come August, I will press forward with my eyes on Christ, knowing that His timing is perfect. If I do not end up interning in the fall, then God and I will cross that path when it comes, and I will be excited for the adventure that lies ahead. As for now, I am going to live where God has placed me and trust moment by moment that when the time comes, He will be there, exactly where I need Him. The Strength in the midst of a beautifully broken life placed in His hands.