Beautifully Broken

Broken. That is how I would describe myself at the moment. Beautifully broken. Not a brokenness that signals defeat, but one that reminds me how incapable I am of doing anything in my own strength. It is a brokenness that teaches me how depending on the Lord is the only way to truly live in freedom.

I think realizing the depth of my brokenness is what has been keeping me going lately, especially when it comes to raising support. Currently, I am at about 33% of my support goal. Which in all honesty is completely amazing, even though my goal for the end of June was to be at around 50%. But the way that God has already brought in my support has blown me away. I think my favorite support stories so far are centered around people who give to me when I know they have almost nothing to give.

One friend in particular sticks out in my mind. Having just graduated from college, like me she doesn't have much in the way of finances. When I saw her the other day, she handed me her money while telling me that she knew she had to give to me because God wouldn't let it go. Supporting me had come to her mind everyday for the past two weeks. What she gave me was a sacrifice, I know this, and as I hugged her the love I felt from her both for me and for the Lord brought tears to my eyes.

It may not seem like much to the world, or even in light of the amount of support I am supposed to be raising, but the few dollars I get from the heart of a sacrificial giver teaches me more than I could learn from some large anonymous donation. God has a special way of breaking my heart and teaching me through people who give from their hearts, not out of their wealth. Their willingness humbles me and reminds me of how God has called me to give just as they do, just as the widow does in Luke 21....giving out of love for the Lord, and all the while trusting Him to take care of my needs.

One of the biggest questions I have been getting lately is about whether I think I will be able to raise all of my support by August, or even at all. And I have to admit, at times I have found myself thinking, "Ok God, so I know you love when people give out of what little they have, but won't it take until next May for me to raise $38,000 with small donations?"

It is during those times that I am so grateful for the grace the Lord gives me when I try to look at things through my own eyes instead of His. Because, truthfully, God works on His own schedule, and I have no authority to be questioning His timing. I believe He is good, and therefore He deserves my trust. Something I read a few weeks ago really hit me with this truth, and I want it to be my response to people who question and wonder about whether I will actually be able to begin ministry at Miami in the fall. It's from Beth Guckenberger's book Reckless Faith:

"When troubles approach, I used to always plan an escape route, thinking that it would keep both God and me from looking bad. But He doesn't require any such excuses. The more childlike and less mature my faith becomes, the easier it is to invite God to come. Never again will I offer up an explanation that spins God as weak or passive. If God doesn't come through in the way I want Him to, it should expand my view of faith, not shrink it." (42)

This is what I want to be true of me: that I would embrace my brokenness and God's goodness enough to start believing Him when He says He is in control. I refuse to create a perfectly mapped out plan B for what to do if support doesn't come in when it is based completely on the assumption that God is not big enough to show up where I need Him most.

If I do not end up fully supported come August, I will press forward with my eyes on Christ, knowing that His timing is perfect. If I do not end up interning in the fall, then God and I will cross that path when it comes, and I will be excited for the adventure that lies ahead. As for now, I am going to live where God has placed me and trust moment by moment that when the time comes, He will be there, exactly where I need Him. The Strength in the midst of a beautifully broken life placed in His hands.