Vulnerability

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and you heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

"I've been turning up the stones of my own discontent,
and I'm finding out where all my hidden sorrows went
They've been laying there for years, I kept them out of view.
But its time I dust you off and take a good look at you.

Oh, how long

Oh, how long


Well its easier to clench your fist and grind your teeth,
than to look into the sadness that lives underneath.
Well you can kill off all those feelings, they'll just turn to ghosts.
They'll take over your house and become the host.

Oh, how long
Oh, how long

Well the man of sorrows walked the shores of Galilee,
and his eyes were cast with joy toward the crystal sea.
Where all the shadows will be gone and all these bitter tears,
and my heart will hang on that until the dawn appears.

Oh, how long
Oh, how long.
Oh you, you won't let me go."  MPJ, Until the Dawn Appears

Stones in the City Walls, Pulled from the Riverbed

“Silently tracing the cracks through the chaos. Grieving what cannot come back, what’s gone away.

Feeling the weight of the sorrow’s night, you can’t find your way through the black, so you pray for light.

Everyone’s trying to find ways to fix it, you know in your heart what you need to work it out.

Looking away to the violent sky, there’s a deep, dark river rising on the inside.

And you stand in the water with your arms crossed, groaning hallelujah.

And the trees bow to the east as the sun waits under the sea.

Fall into that mystery or it will pull you under,

It’s okay, say goodbye.” 

Stones from the Riverbed by Matthew Perryman Jones

I think at every moment of life we are simultaneously grieving and rejoicing. It’s part of living in a world where sin still takes up residence. A time and portion of your life passes, and there is grief over what was and will be no more. People move in and out of relationship, and there is pain in the process. Yet, each passing brings forward a bright horizon of possibilities and joys all its own. And each time it happens I’m left in ambivalent awe.

I remember talking with a friend a few months ago about what she could be doing better to protect herself and those she was in relationship with from getting hurt, from the pain of a ruptured relationship. I’ve been letting that sit in my heart for a while, processing it as I grieve relational pains of my own. And this is what I’ve come to:

We cannot truly protect ourselves from pain. It can and will come, often unexpectedly, and often despite all of our efforts to keep it at bay. But, maybe that is okay. Maybe pain isn’t the real enemy. Pain is so often the method through which we learn the most about ourselves and about God, and about the world he has put us in. It is a result of a broken system in which we live, and although it should never be delighted in itself, leaning into the pain and grief of life is often the only way we can find healing.

When we try to avoid pain, what we end up with is inauthentic, shallow, or self-centered relationship. Because in protecting ourselves, we hold back who we truly are and wall ourselves off from being deeply and wholly known. Ironically, knowing others, and being known by them, is what we were made to do. We cannot fully love without giving ourselves. And we cannot give ourselves without the risk and almost assured reality of pain.

I want to love fully. I want to know and be deeply known by another, and by a community of those who walk with God.

And I think I’m just beginning to learn my need to embrace both the grief and the joy that come with that depth of love. 

Land of the Living

So I know that my last post had "pt.1" in the title, and though I do plan on following up with a pt.2, this post will not be it. Instead, I wanted to update with a few things about my life here in St. Louis! I have realized recently that even though I really enjoy blogging, I don't do it very often. I think this is because I like to blog about deep things the Lord is changing in my life/things he is teaching me. Its a great way for me to process, but  at the same time it can be exhausting and takes a lot of effort. It also makes it seem like thinking deeply and processing are the only things I do, which is just not true! So here are some pictures and snippets of my life, including many of the beautiful things that bring me so much joy on a daily basis as I go about life here in St. Louis :)

Two of the three sweet children that I nanny for (didn't have a good picture of Jude, the oldest)! Titus (top) and Chloe (left) always bring a smile to my face. I get to hang out with these guys about twice a week and we have so much fun!

City Coffee House and Creperie! My friends and I have been attempting to explore some of the sights and tastes of St. Louis. This is one of the best brunch spots I have been to yet!

 In my free time, I love to cook and try out new recipes. Being in the kitchen is really refreshing for me, and its so fun to get creative and try new things with food. Two of my roommates have food allergies, so the picture below is a chocolate quinoa cake (gluten free, dairy free, sugar free) that I tried for Bekah's birthday, turned out wonderful!









                                                                     






Typical day...coffee, bible, notebook. Life of a seminary student...it can be exhausting, and a lot of work, but in all honesty I love it :)













 My apartment! Though not for long, since my roommates and I are moving to a house in about two weeks...we can't wait for more space and to be closer to church/work/friends.

My wonderful roommates (from right) Ally, Bekah, Carey and I, ice skating at Forest Park this winter. They are probably the biggest blessing the Lord has given me since I moved to St. Louis in August.

So that is a small picture of my life here in St. Louis :) Summer is beginning for me in about two weeks, and I definitely plan to process through and share some of the really amazing and impactful things I have learned in my classes and in life over the course of this past year. Thanks for sticking with me and taking the time to read my (rare) updates!


Bonus!
Current favorite past time:
Sometimes on beautiful days, Chloe and I take a blanket out to the backyard and relax under the sun :)

Current musical obsessions: Matthew Perryman Jones (particularly his newest album, which is the title of this blog post), Ray LaMontague, and Ellie Holcomb.


Currently reading: Reviving Ophelia, Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. Its for a class paper, but I've found it incredibly intriguing and eye opening. Hoping to read some new fiction over the summer (suggestions, please!)


Currently watching: LOST season 4...watching it bit by bit during study breaks with my roommates, and remembering how much of a love/hate relationship I had with the show the first time around. Some good TV, right there :)

The Idol of Security, Pt.1

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways in which we try to protect ourselves from hurt, pain, or difficulties. The first thoughts that come to mind are ones that have to do with money. If you step back and look at our culture from a distanced perspective, we actually seem a little crazy. We are so scared of losing comfort and stability that we pour money into savings accounts and are obsessive about having a “safety cushion” of money in the bank in the chance that anything might go wrong. 

Now, I’m not against saving. I actually think saving can be extremely wise stewardship of your money. The point I am trying to make is that we often step way beyond wise stewardship to just plain lack of faith, making an idol out of comfort and security. Saving thousands of dollars for ourselves, and yet being unwilling to give because we don’t want to touch our monetary security blanket. We protect ourselves from any foreseeable financial disaster, while most of the rest of the world is unsure where they will get the money for food today.

I’m very much guilty of this myself, worrying much more than I should about money and finances, holding tight to what I have because I am afraid that if I let it go, I will not have what I need. I’d like to claim that being in grad school does this to a person. You are taking out loans for thousands of dollars that you will have to pay back in just a few short years, all the while making just enough money while in school to pay rent and buy food. It’s definitely a test of faith, especially since I did not have to be in this position. However, I know that I had this tendency long before I entered grad school. It comes out more now because by coming to Covenant I am choosing to go into debt and I feel the weight of that responsibility. But I can remember worrying about money while I was in undergrad as well, when I wasn’t taking out loans for anything.

The summer between my junior and senior years of college, the Lord taught me a huge lesson in financial security, faith, and sacrifice. I had the privilege to travel to Zambia with Crusade on a summer project, where we participated in student ministry on two different college campuses, and visited a couple of orphanages. I had been to impoverished communities before going to Zambia, but for some reason the poverty we saw there struck me in a way that it hadn’t before. I didn’t just feel heartbroken for the people we were working with who had next to nothing, I also felt conviction. Spending daily time in the Word, I was reminded about what the church is called to, what is an essential part of ushering in the kingdom of God on this earth: ministering to the poor and needy. This is something that was supposed to be a main characteristic of the Israelite community in the Old Testament, one of the primary characteristics that set them apart from other nations. In Isaiah 58:6-7, the Lord says to the nation of Israel:

“‘Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked to cloth him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?”

Fighting for justice, giving to those who are needy, to those who are hungry and have nothing, loving and serving those who the world despises and rejects, this is what the kingdom of God looks like. It was on that trip that, as a believer, I felt the weight of this calling and the ways that I had not embraced it in my life. I felt the Lord asking me to give in immense financial ways when I returned to the States, because financial security was an idol He was desperate to rid me of. My senior year of college was marked by having to trust the Lord in ways I had not let myself before. And I saw Him show up, I watched as He brought people and circumstances in my life to give me just what I needed and no more. It was an amazing time of growth in my life in this area, and in my understanding of what it looks like to participate in ushering in the kingdom of God on this earth.

I’m forgetful, though. I still struggle with trusting the Lord that coming to Covenant was the best decision financially. When it comes time to pay my tuition bill, I feel the strain because I’m being asked for something I don’t actually have. But I’m finding it worth it. I’m learning, I’m growing, and I’m beginning to understand that if I am committed to walking with the Lord it will most likely be like this for the rest of my life. He will ask me to give until it hurts, to take steps of faith and ask for Him to provide when I am unsure how that will happen. 

He has given me a great example of this in the form of my new church, New City, in watching how they are faithful with their finances, always pouring into ministry that God calls them to, even when they are unsure where those finances will come from. And He reminds me through His Word in those moments that I am tempted to panic. I want my life to reflect the characteristics of God’s kingdom, and that means giving up my comfort and security, believing that what I will gain is so much more valuable. And knowing my flesh and how it fights this, I’m asking others to hold me accountable to living the way that God has called me to. I know it will be hard, but I also know it will be beyond worth it.

“Then you’re light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard…If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday. The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.” Isaiah 58:8,10-11

“Do not worry, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:31-34