Loving Beyond Comprehension

To start off, I just want to update everyone on where I am with my support. I currently have seen 42% of my total support come in, but I still need $1600 of monthly support. As August 23rd looms in the not so distant future, I am continuing to trust the Lord and His timing. If I'm being honest, it's definitely not easy. It would be much easier to give in to anxiety and stress, choosing not to take God at His word but instead try to continue raising support out of my own strength or even walk down another path entirely. But I am trying to keep in mind why I started this process in the first place. I am here to honor the Lord, and in this situation that means that I will continue to trust Him even in my fear.

That being said, I really just wanted to share with you all some of what God has been teaching me lately that doesn't necessarily have to do with raising support. Though, I would have to say that support has had a role in every part of my growth in character and spirit over the past few months, mostly because when we are forced to depend solely on the Lord, it tends to bring other things in our lives to the surface.

I was reading this passage in Colossians the other day, and the words just hit me in a completely different way than they have before. "8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:8-14

There are so many things going on in this passage, so instead of talking about everything God showed me in these verses, I'll just highlight one major point. In v.8, Paul talks about putting off things such as slander, malice, filthy language, etc. When reading this, in my mind it really connected to what he says later in v.13, that we should bear with each other and forgive grievances, in the same way that God has forgiven us. Recently, I really feel like God has been highlighting the need for me to do both of these things when it comes to people in my life, and the relationships I have. I have often thought, rather pridefully, that I do a pretty good job of forgiving others when they wrong me. I try to see past their actions and treat them with kindness instead of retaliating, thinking of myself as the bigger person in the situation.

Only recently have I realized how self-righteous my attitude has been. One of my good friends has been going through a rather rough time recently, dealing with a lot of pain in a few different areas, but through it all I have seen her truly walk with the Lord and continue to love the people in her life that have hurt her. I have never seen anyone love through pain like this woman, and God has used her experiences to show me just how little I understand about forgiveness. Too often I speak out against those who have hurt me, my words dripping with bitterness and resentment. But true love, true forgiveness, lets go of all those things. It puts off harsh words and slander, and chooses to show love to those who we may feel least deserve it. It is not only choosing not to speak badly of them, but it is also choosing to love them with the words we do speak, showing encouragement and believing the best about them. God's grace empowers us to love past our pain and confusion, giving us the freedom to let God take control of the situation and the relationship.

For me, this summer has definitely been one characterized by humility. I am seeing sin in places in my life that I have never looked at before. I am overwhelmed by how much God has forgiven me, how much I deserve death, but yet, miraculously through God's grace, I have been given life. Knowing how much God has forgiven me, how could I possibly withhold that kind of true forgiveness to people in my own life, and especially to other believers whom I love? I am thankful that God is so entirely patient with me, that He deals with me gently, and that through Him I know that I can begin to love others the way He has called me to. As I deal with my relationships, I can already see the Lord working on my heart and challenging me to love through any circumstance. Some days are more difficult than others, and there are times where I feel as though I do not have any more strength to walk in love. But God is gracious, and I know that the more I depend on Him, the more I will see Him show up in the way I love those around me.

I'm going to end my post here, with lyrics from a song by Jennifer Knapp that always reminds me of how amazing the Lord's forgiveness truly is....if you want to listen to the whole song, you can check it out here:

"What was the promise on the Cross of Calvary?

Confess the Lord and the truth shall set you free.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, renew a steadfast spirit within me.

To my prayers you've always given heed.

Blessed be thy God, who never turned away from me.

Hid his face from all my sin, forgot my iniquity.

Go on and raise your hands sing praises to the Lord.

He's the King and He'll reign forevermore.

He died upon the cross at Calvary.

He died to save a wretch like me."

Beautifully Broken

Broken. That is how I would describe myself at the moment. Beautifully broken. Not a brokenness that signals defeat, but one that reminds me how incapable I am of doing anything in my own strength. It is a brokenness that teaches me how depending on the Lord is the only way to truly live in freedom.

I think realizing the depth of my brokenness is what has been keeping me going lately, especially when it comes to raising support. Currently, I am at about 33% of my support goal. Which in all honesty is completely amazing, even though my goal for the end of June was to be at around 50%. But the way that God has already brought in my support has blown me away. I think my favorite support stories so far are centered around people who give to me when I know they have almost nothing to give.

One friend in particular sticks out in my mind. Having just graduated from college, like me she doesn't have much in the way of finances. When I saw her the other day, she handed me her money while telling me that she knew she had to give to me because God wouldn't let it go. Supporting me had come to her mind everyday for the past two weeks. What she gave me was a sacrifice, I know this, and as I hugged her the love I felt from her both for me and for the Lord brought tears to my eyes.

It may not seem like much to the world, or even in light of the amount of support I am supposed to be raising, but the few dollars I get from the heart of a sacrificial giver teaches me more than I could learn from some large anonymous donation. God has a special way of breaking my heart and teaching me through people who give from their hearts, not out of their wealth. Their willingness humbles me and reminds me of how God has called me to give just as they do, just as the widow does in Luke 21....giving out of love for the Lord, and all the while trusting Him to take care of my needs.

One of the biggest questions I have been getting lately is about whether I think I will be able to raise all of my support by August, or even at all. And I have to admit, at times I have found myself thinking, "Ok God, so I know you love when people give out of what little they have, but won't it take until next May for me to raise $38,000 with small donations?"

It is during those times that I am so grateful for the grace the Lord gives me when I try to look at things through my own eyes instead of His. Because, truthfully, God works on His own schedule, and I have no authority to be questioning His timing. I believe He is good, and therefore He deserves my trust. Something I read a few weeks ago really hit me with this truth, and I want it to be my response to people who question and wonder about whether I will actually be able to begin ministry at Miami in the fall. It's from Beth Guckenberger's book Reckless Faith:

"When troubles approach, I used to always plan an escape route, thinking that it would keep both God and me from looking bad. But He doesn't require any such excuses. The more childlike and less mature my faith becomes, the easier it is to invite God to come. Never again will I offer up an explanation that spins God as weak or passive. If God doesn't come through in the way I want Him to, it should expand my view of faith, not shrink it." (42)

This is what I want to be true of me: that I would embrace my brokenness and God's goodness enough to start believing Him when He says He is in control. I refuse to create a perfectly mapped out plan B for what to do if support doesn't come in when it is based completely on the assumption that God is not big enough to show up where I need Him most.

If I do not end up fully supported come August, I will press forward with my eyes on Christ, knowing that His timing is perfect. If I do not end up interning in the fall, then God and I will cross that path when it comes, and I will be excited for the adventure that lies ahead. As for now, I am going to live where God has placed me and trust moment by moment that when the time comes, He will be there, exactly where I need Him. The Strength in the midst of a beautifully broken life placed in His hands.

The "What"

In light of the fact that this blog is meant to share and explain what my internship with Campus Crusade for Christ is about, and the process that I am going through this summer, I thought it would be a good idea to use this post to give a more in depth explaination of my life at the moment. Right now, I am working my way toward starting my Crusade internship, but first I have to raise my funds for the twelve months that I will be working.

For those who don't know, Campus Crusade for Christ is an interdenominational Christian ministry which seeks to be a spiritual resource to students on college campuses. At least, that is how Cru describes themselves. For me, Crusade was the means through which God brought me fellowship with people, taught me how to grow deeply in my relationship with Him, and showed me the importance of investing myself in the lives of others.

Throughout my four years as a student at Miami, I met with a few different upperclass women on a weekly basis and was able to share with them what was going on in my life and ask them for advice or a listening ear. In turn, these women taught me what it looked like to truly follow God in every area of my life. After considering my post-graduation options this past year, I knew that God was calling me to come back to Miami and invest in the lives of others the way that those women had invested in me.

So that is why I chose to intern with Campus Crusade, because I knew that not only would it stretch my faith, it would also provide endless opportunities to show God's love to girls on Miami's campus. When classes begin in August, I will begin meeting one on one with girls (we call this discipleship) as well as leading bible studies and seeking to meet new students on campus.

However, before I even step foot on campus I have to raise the necessary funds in order to live and work. Being a non-profit organization, Crusade does not have funds to pay the salaries of their staff. Instead, we individually raise the money that we need for the amount of time that we are working by reaching out to friends, family, and our communities in order to give people the opportunity to partner with us in the work we are doing on campuses around the world. This means that I am spending my summer sending letters, making phone calls, and meeting with people who could possibly be interested in my internship and in playing a financial role in my ministry.

Although I was not particularly excited about raising support at first, I have come to find it is an amazingly humbling and unique experience. Never before have I been so dependent on God for my life and future. Never before have I had the opportunity to share my passion and my life with people that I may have never met otherwise. I love being able to take a part in the lives of people around me by calling or meeting with them. I am excited to see how God chooses to bring in the rest of my money over the next few weeks, because I know that this process will only continue to refine and surprise me.

Having started the process of raising support back mid-May, I am praying that I will be fully supported by August, that way I can begin working on campus when school starts. For now, I will continue to get in touch with people around me, sharing with them my heart for reaching out to Miami students, and asking them to partner with me in what is sure to be an interesting and life-changing year in Oxford.